...for almost a month now.
I wish i had written down more of the experience in India, i just never got the time. And as i sit here now, trying to make vivid the experience, i feel alone.
(Disclaimer: These are only my thoughts, and God knows there is so much wrong with me, i am the last to cast judgement) The Mavericks wont the NBA, and there wasnt a place i could turn that this feat didnt consume the lives of the city. The passion for winning a title to a game, the ups and downs, like a bipolar disorder during the journey...it was shocking to me. I sat back and watched from the comfort of facebook and even church the excitement and appearance of life it brought everyone.
And i remember the boys, how they found so much joy in making the pop sound come from carefully bended piece of paper.
They found a way to smile in that small act. But when the paper runs out and there isnt any money to buy some more, and they have HIV, and one sweet boy even has no arm because it was burned off while trying to save his mother who was set on fire...to broken to even admit he remembers what happened...we cheer and shout for a game that consumes are lives so much that there is no time to spend in thought, prayer and support of these boys.
I'm wondering about Asharah, how is she doing today? Is she sad. Father, is she sad? God, will you come today?
So now the Basketball season is over. What next?
I wonder if people ever stop to think how limited that "joy" was. How quickly it came and quickly died away. If they could have eyes to see...step back and see the chaos from the scope of the world, from the scope of eternity. Put all that energy into the Kingdom that is Yours...would the world be that much more changed?
I dont think it wrong to have pleasures in this world, but it hurts to think how much energy and effort is given to something that doesnt even matter.
I have been running around with my head cut off for the last few weeks, going to this, going to that. Last night, as i finally made time to watch 1 hour of TV because i am so exhausted from thinking, i started to envy those families, couples, people that come home from work and sit in front of the TV, or even fall asleep in their bedrooms as they watch...that would be nice. I wouldnt be tired anymore. Maybe i wouldnt be so stressed out?
That life would be nice. I could in my position, really move up on that latter. Maybe take a nice vacation on some exotic island. I dont know, maybe even go out with my friends more?
Then i looked at some of my profile pictures, and i was reminded of the little girl, Elisa, who died at the age of 6. She was repeatedly molested with a hairbrush and toothbrush. Beat so severely by her mother, even used as a mop. The Cambodian girl, who's eye was taken out by a metal tube? God, how could i think of anything less? Why do people, why do i, get so hung up over petty little things, get upset about things that dont even matter. Why father?
I did my first presentation for Traffick911 on Monday, Tuesday there was a friend that really needed me and i had to buy groceries after, by the time i even got home it was 11. Wednesday i helped with the children outreach, and last night worked really late into the evening on a project for work.
Yesterday, Thursday, was also the day i found out that my vision has gotten worse as confirmed by the specialist. I tried practicing my strings and i couldnt read the notes anymore, even with my super glasses. I cried. Overwhelmed at the thought that im losing my vision and it might not get better. My surgery is scheduled for July 13th. But then memories of the old woman in India came back; i was trying to show her how to make a keychain, but she couldnt even see the string or beads clearly enough to try. :( She's been living like that most of her life. Doesnt even know how to spell her name.
Its exhausting to spend my life like this at times.
But i can also see there were a whole lot of "I"s in that last few statements. Its all about me. What im doing? Whats happening to me.
Its almost like the more i live life the more inadequate i feel. Father, why am I so sad and dont even know for what or why? My life is good. Better than its been before, and yet i feel so confused about every single area of it.
But I'm taking note today that i havent nearly spent the kind of time with God that i need to,to get out of gray muck that is now my life. Without you Father, evidence is clear to point out that its all gray.
How do i get back to India?
I wish i had written down more of the experience in India, i just never got the time. And as i sit here now, trying to make vivid the experience, i feel alone.
(Disclaimer: These are only my thoughts, and God knows there is so much wrong with me, i am the last to cast judgement) The Mavericks wont the NBA, and there wasnt a place i could turn that this feat didnt consume the lives of the city. The passion for winning a title to a game, the ups and downs, like a bipolar disorder during the journey...it was shocking to me. I sat back and watched from the comfort of facebook and even church the excitement and appearance of life it brought everyone.
They found a way to smile in that small act. But when the paper runs out and there isnt any money to buy some more, and they have HIV, and one sweet boy even has no arm because it was burned off while trying to save his mother who was set on fire...to broken to even admit he remembers what happened...we cheer and shout for a game that consumes are lives so much that there is no time to spend in thought, prayer and support of these boys.
I'm wondering about Asharah, how is she doing today? Is she sad. Father, is she sad? God, will you come today?
So now the Basketball season is over. What next?
I wonder if people ever stop to think how limited that "joy" was. How quickly it came and quickly died away. If they could have eyes to see...step back and see the chaos from the scope of the world, from the scope of eternity. Put all that energy into the Kingdom that is Yours...would the world be that much more changed?
I dont think it wrong to have pleasures in this world, but it hurts to think how much energy and effort is given to something that doesnt even matter.
I have been running around with my head cut off for the last few weeks, going to this, going to that. Last night, as i finally made time to watch 1 hour of TV because i am so exhausted from thinking, i started to envy those families, couples, people that come home from work and sit in front of the TV, or even fall asleep in their bedrooms as they watch...that would be nice. I wouldnt be tired anymore. Maybe i wouldnt be so stressed out?
That life would be nice. I could in my position, really move up on that latter. Maybe take a nice vacation on some exotic island. I dont know, maybe even go out with my friends more?
Then i looked at some of my profile pictures, and i was reminded of the little girl, Elisa, who died at the age of 6. She was repeatedly molested with a hairbrush and toothbrush. Beat so severely by her mother, even used as a mop. The Cambodian girl, who's eye was taken out by a metal tube? God, how could i think of anything less? Why do people, why do i, get so hung up over petty little things, get upset about things that dont even matter. Why father?
I did my first presentation for Traffick911 on Monday, Tuesday there was a friend that really needed me and i had to buy groceries after, by the time i even got home it was 11. Wednesday i helped with the children outreach, and last night worked really late into the evening on a project for work.
Yesterday, Thursday, was also the day i found out that my vision has gotten worse as confirmed by the specialist. I tried practicing my strings and i couldnt read the notes anymore, even with my super glasses. I cried. Overwhelmed at the thought that im losing my vision and it might not get better. My surgery is scheduled for July 13th. But then memories of the old woman in India came back; i was trying to show her how to make a keychain, but she couldnt even see the string or beads clearly enough to try. :( She's been living like that most of her life. Doesnt even know how to spell her name.
Its exhausting to spend my life like this at times.
But i can also see there were a whole lot of "I"s in that last few statements. Its all about me. What im doing? Whats happening to me.
Its almost like the more i live life the more inadequate i feel. Father, why am I so sad and dont even know for what or why? My life is good. Better than its been before, and yet i feel so confused about every single area of it.
But I'm taking note today that i havent nearly spent the kind of time with God that i need to,to get out of gray muck that is now my life. Without you Father, evidence is clear to point out that its all gray.
How do i get back to India?
